The other Love of my life

Things are a little bit frustrating right now. I need a full time job as soon as possible. They say when life hands you lemons you are supposed to make lemonade. Well I would love some lemonade but lately sometimes it has felt more like life is handing me cans of tuna. I was craving lemonade. . . not tuna. I hate tuna.

At any rate. . .I have decided to write this post about the other Love of my life. As those who read this may or may not know, I am currently married to the Love of my life. His name is Michael, and we have been together for over 5 years.

There is another Love of my life. We have been together, oh I am not even sure how long she and I have been together. I must have first met her when I was a baby, and of course no doubt I loved her. . . but only as much as a baby could. I started to discover more about her as I aged, but still at 2 only so much can be known. I think I really first started loving her when I started elementary school. She was always there in my favorite class. She seemed to favor me too when it got down to it really. My love for her only grew as the years went on. I loved everything about her. In high school when I went through a lot, the boy I loved being gay and going to France, the fact that a guy was actually attracted to me when I was a junior in high school, having a rough relationship my senior year. No matter what happened in high school, she comforted me. There were times where I was under her spell and didn't even notice anything else in the world during those moments. In College, I got to spend even more time with her. But I must say there were times where it seemed to me that I had forgotten why I loved her, but that was just me being dumb. Sometimes focusing too much can make you forget the goodness that is there. There was, at one point, a very brief time my freshman year of college where I said, in a way that I hated her, but that was not her fault. That was due to circumstances, that really ended up for the better. Even now I find I cannot escape her embrace, and why would I want to? Every day I discover something new about our relationship and it is amazing. Who is this mystery woman you may ask? I am sure many of you already know. It is Music.

Music has been the Love of my life for as long as I can remember. All of that above is true. Why do I refer to Music as a she. It has to due with a song I learned in 4th grade for honors chorus, and sang again in middle school for honors chorus. It is apparently a poor translation of a song. I do not care though, I love it. These are the words:

"Art thou troubled? Music shall calm thee. Art thou weary? Rest shall be thine. Music, source of all gladness, heals thy sadness, at her shrine. Music, music ever divine. Music, music calleth, with voice divine. When the welcome spring is smiling all the earth with flowers beguiling after winters dreary rain. Sweetest Music doth attend her heavenly harmonies doth lend her, chanting praises in her train chanting praises in her train."

It repeats in various places. When I was younger I thought it was about someone who had loved a woman that had died and music was helping them get over it. Lately I realized the song is entirely about music, and Music is the she. She is not dead, she is just comforting this persons soul. Music has almost always comforted me that way. Particularly singing of course. If I am denied being able to sing. . . I literally, however ridiculous this is, start to well up in tears. I don't like it when people tell me not to sing. It hurts me. In my emotional heart it stings. It doesn't matter who or what circumstance, it hurts me.

Music is the most amazing thing in the world. It is the basis for whatever belief system I do have. I am a Music Therapist because I know Music does so much for me, I must use my talent and help it do things for others. I think perhaps I should post about why I am a Music Therapist. . . but that will have to be another time.

Dear Music,
After all these years, and all we have been through, I still love you just as much as when I was a babe and you first took me in your embrace. Thank you for all you have done, and do your best to never leave me.
Love, Mary Elisabeth.

Existence

As far as religion goes. . . I don't have  a name for mine. Really it is just an eclectic amalgamation of many ideas from many religions, and my brain. However, I was raised Christian. All my life in my mind I have talked to this companion, whom I call God. 

Yesterday as Mike and I were driving home from Kimberly and Will's place, cause it was an awesome Friday the 13th night of Chik Fil A and new Futurama, we were talking about just how terrible people are in the world. 

When I hear about how terrible humans can be, in my mind I have a conversation with that companion I call God.

It goes a lot like this.

"Why? Why did you put me on a place like this? Why did you put me on a place where it seems the majority of people are just awful. Why did you put me here when I know I am capable of so much more than them. Why did you put me in a creatures body that is incapable of so much? I know there are good people in the world. I realize that if I am good than I should use it to at least make the little bit of the world I can better. I know I cannot give up hope so easily. "

Like a good parent, God tends to let me figure things out on my own. (Don't worry I also know that parents need to teach kids things, but it is good to let them figure out as much as they can on their own.)  Which, ofcourse, leads to the question of the existence of this God being anyway. But that is the thing. I am not wondering about the existence of God. I don't need God to really exist. As long as I have that companion in my mind to talk things out with and sort things out. . . I don't get caught up in their existence. I get caught up in mine. Isn't that funny? Most people spend their life seeking to prove that there is a higher being. I don't need that. 

I want to know why I am here. I want to see what I can do for the world. 

My concern is not whether or not a higher being exists. My concern is why do I exist. Oh, and I do realize that there are quite a few other people who this is their concern. 

At the same time there is part of me that is scared to know why I exist, and scared to really reach my full potential for some reason. I think because I am comfortable where I am. Also I know that I am human and that I do have limitations and that is just as scary. I feel like I ought to be capable of anything, but at times I feel like the fact that I am a fleshy soft bony human. . . traps that so I can only get so far. 

Don't get me wrong bodies are awesome. But you have to admit, it does put a limit on what you can do. 

So I think the Llano for me, since I don't know that there is literally a song called the Llano, Piers Anthony may have made it up, the Llano for me is finding my full potential in this existence and finding what I can do to make the world a better place, at least by my standards. Even if it just means making you guys happy, amused, or even just making you think. 

Mawidge is a dweam wiffin a dweam

I am hoping that by quoting a well known movie/book, maybe just maybe people will think "Oh. . . she is quoting the Princess Bride. That is an awesome movie, I should read this blog!" Which makes me think of how I wish I could wear my Princess Bride shirt to work, but I feel it would be less than a good idea to wear a shirt with two people kissing so passionately around preschools. Which brings me back to my topic. . . sort of.

Mawidge, I mean marriage.

I have been married since October 17th, 2009. Of course mentally I am not entirely sure how long I have been married. I was actually engaged once before I married Michael Miller. I was engaged to a boy in Florida when I was 5. His name was Michael Baxter Crow (I like the name Michael, always have, always will) though he went by Baxter. Then we moved back up here from Florida, I lost the ring at church and decided the whole marriage was off.

Before Mike and I were married a lot of his co workers would tell him "It all changes after the wedding!", which may have been true, if we hadn't been living together before we were married. Some might call that living in sin, I call it smart. This way he could see if we could handle each others' flaws. Turns out we can.

I love being married. I mean. . . if we weren't married things wouldn't be that different really. Mostly I just love the relationship I am lucky enough to have with Mike. We talk about anything and everything together. We even talk about who we find attractive/ have crushes on. Now this. . . this I was a bit uncomfortable with at first. You see when we were dating I would find other people attractive, and maybe even a couple I had a crush on, and I would still always tell him. But we weren't married. Recently I have found someone else attractive more than just being like "huh, they are nice looking" but a full fledged crush. Well at first I beat myself up about it. . . but when Mike and I actually talked about it, it made me feel a lot better. Also he knew who it was. . . But I have to say when we talk about stuff like that, it is a little strange. Because at those moments it is almost like we are more like friends than husband and wife. I love that though. It is just part of our marriage. We are not only lovers, and husband and wife, we are best friends. I don't know that having such conversations would be good for all married couples, but it is for us.

So I guess really marriage isn't what rocks, I mean it does. . . what rocks is having someone that I am in love with, and can talk to anything and everything about. Also when I am with him feeling safe and the most comfortable ever.  And it just so happens that we are lucky enough to be able to get the benefits of marriage.

Why?

A lot has been on my brain. I work at a preschool and a lot of the 2 and 3 year olds go through this stage of asking why to everything. 

"So the very hungry caterpillar ate a green leaf. "Why?" "Because he was hungry. "Why?" "Because he needs energy." "Why?" "So he can grow" "Why?" "So he can turn into a butterfly." "Why?" "That is just how things work, I don't know why, will you just listen to the story?!?!?!"

That is how it usually goes with me and the kids. I explain to them as much as I can, but honestly I don't know why there are butterflies. I like them, they are beautiful. I mean to a certain extent they are there to help pollinate flowers, which are there to produce oxygen and fruit, so animals can breath and eat, and then poop up their seeds providing fertilizer so the plants can grow and butterflies can eat from them and then spread their pollen. . . and it begins again.

My brain converses with itself like that. Part of my brain is a 3 yearold, and the other is an adult. Except in the end the adult in my brain too has to wonder. . . why? Why does space exist? Why does the Earth exist? Why do humans think they are the smartest beings? Why do humans think just because we do something it is the only way we can do it? Why can I fly in my dreams but not in real life? Why when I wake up from dreams do I feel like the interactions between the people in them really happened. Sometimes I am disappointed that they didn't actually. Why is that? Why do some people work really hard and are genuinely good people, and get shit, and others do barely anything, or commit crime and get so much. Why am I so lucky to have so many people who like me? What did I do to make them like me. Don't get me wrong, I feel blessed to be liked by so many people. But why do they like me. I am not particularly exciting. Honestly I am pretty selfish. I try to be nice. . . but I could try harder. 

All the time these questions of why. I suppose some of them could be answered if I had more of a structured religion. I like not having a structured religion. I like having to ask why. It keeps me going. It lets me figure things out for myself. Without the question why. . . how much would humans have really figured out. 

So how many of you who read this. . . which I am not sure how many of you there are, how many of you ask questions like these? How many people do you think sit and wonder why about everything. 

And why?

What's in a name?

Hello world! I am trying blogging. . . we will see how it goes. This blog will more than likely just be thoughts I have throughout life.

Today. . . an explanation of the name.

The title of this blog "Searching for the Llano" comes from my favorite series of books, the Incarnations of Immorality, by the talented author Piers Anthony.

These books follow people who become the human incarnations of being Death, Time, Fate, War, Nature, Evil, Good, and Night. Recently I have been rereading these books, because the 8th one, Nox about the Incarnation of Night, came out and I am interested in reading it. I am also reading them again because there is a character that at one point I did not like. . . but I think I might like him more when I reread it this time.

Well. . . in quite a few of these books is a character named Orb, in fact one of them is completely about her. I associate greatly with Orb. She has honey blonde hair, and she is a singer. In the 4th book Orb is in India, and it is explaining why she is there. This is where the title comes in, and for this I will just quote it.

"Well, she was looking for a song, she explained. It was titled the Llano, and it was the most marvelous song ever to be sung on Earth but it was highly elusive. For one thing, it was very challenging to sing, so that only a few people in each generation could perform it successfully. She thought she might be able to sing it well enough and wanted to try. For another thing, it was said to be the most compellingly lovely song that the human voice was capable of rendering, and that intrigued her too. But mainly, she believed that her destiny lay with the song for whoever traced it to its source would discover the avenue to a wholly new fulfillment. Orb, dissatisfied with her mundane existence, sought that fulfillment."

Everyone wants a point in life, and Orb took that as hers, and I think it is one I could strive for. And no, sadly I don't expect to actually find a literal Llano, but in my journeys and discoveries through life, hopefully working my hardest to be the best singer I can be, healing with my voice, finding happiness in performing, that will be my Llano. And if I do happen to find a literal one somehow, well then awesome.